Listing: Punniest Christmas

[Snowy nights - perfect for movie watching]

 Christmas time is just another reason to pop on some flicks. Those ones that are so engrained as tradition that if you didn't watch them while decorating the tree or sipping hot cocoa it would be as if something was missing.

It's definitely to each their own when it comes to the immense and vastly assorted Christmas canon, but for me it's really about the real classics - those filmed fifty years before I was alive, in black and white, with classy broads waving cigarettes while covered in their glamorous fur's.

Give me snow falling atop the Holiday Inn, or one of Father O'Malleys churches, or the March family homestead, or on the heads of Ebenzer and Tiny Tim, any holiday season.

Those oldies are Christmas to me, but being a modern  movie watcher means a little Love Actually, While You Were Sleeping, Prancer, and the 1994 version of Little Women are all thrown in for good measure.

I try to expand from the usuals and find at least one new treasure each year. Normally it is nothing too slapsticky or "dumb", but for some reason this year, I have fully embraced the ridiculous amount of cheese playing on  TV. Sometimes it just feels good to laugh at a crappy movie - I bet you may find one, or five, playing on TV right this second.

Lifetime, ABC Family, and Hallmark have been playing Christmas movies 24/7 since at least early November. At first that little bit of Scrooge inside me exclaimed, "too soon!", but I have since caved big time.

Are these good? Why, no. Are they worth watching? Oh, why yes!

It appears that all holiday themed made for TV movies have a simple formula: A pair of C List Actors + HYJYNX! = L.O.V.E. Don't forget a dash of a holiday pun for the title, and BOOM, you've got yourself a movie! The location will change, the actors will be different, but boy are they all the same story.

Here is just a sampling of a few that have been playing on repeat the last two months:

The Mistle-Tones

Doesn't every town have an accepella singing competition at the mall that is the highlight of the entire holiday season? I thought so.

This story finds Tia Mowry audtioning for The Snow Bells, the same singing group her deceased mother joined. Cue Tori Spelling, the reigning queen of the group, who turns down the talented Tia in a fit of jealousy .

With nowhere else to turn, Tia recruits a rag-tag group from her office, even her boss who is a secret Karaoke enthusiast, to form (yes, you guessed it) The Mistle-Tones! When word gets around to Tori that Tia's group is totally killing their version of "Winter Wonderland", and that The Mistle-Tones  have enough talent to beat The Snow Belles, she extends Tia the offer of a lifetime - to join The Snow Belles just like her mother. Will she turn her back on her new friends or follow the light with Tori?

This one gets the honor of best pun in a title, but be sure to tune in for a spot on lip-sync performance from Ms. Spelling and a cameo from Carl Winslow!

I need my Tori Spelling fix each Christmas, and The Mistle-Tones is filling the void since Hallmark decided to only show the truly riveting, A Carol Christmas, at 4:00 AM! For shame.

12 Trees Of Christmas

One quiant NYC borough library is about to be closed by an evil, manly contractor, so what's a dedicated librarian to do? She organizes a Christmas Tree decorating contest to give the library publicity of course!

At first the librarian and contractor butt heads, but...are those sparks flying in between the tension? Stick with this boring story and questionable acting for a true shining star to make a cameo - Scary Spice shows up in this mess! Why she is in this movie is questionable, however, does it really matter?

Holidaze

Having not actually watched this one, but couldn't ignore the brilliant title, I just want the wonderful synopsis to speak for itself:

"Holidaze stars Jennie Garth (90210, What I Like about You) as Melody, a successful and adventurous business woman who begrudgingly returns to her hometown for work. While there she takes a tumble and wakes up in an alternate reality where she never left town and married her childhood sweetheart, Carter McClure, played by Cameron Mathison (All My Children, Good Morning America). Could this experience change Melody’s decision to leave home?"

So much hyjynx!

Ben's Christmas

First of all,  Erik Von Detton did it better in 1996 with his 90's Leo hair.

For this version, I should have known just by the boring title that it should be avoided. We find ourselves with a teenager named Ben who is reliving the same Christmas Day over and over again, because he's ungrateful for his family? Not entirely sure here.

The problem is this kid has the most monotonous Christmas Day of all time - nothing that exciting or terrible even happens (unless you count your parents awkwardly salsa-ing down a hallway). When the premise is a kid's Christmas will play over and over, make it interesting at least.

Eventually, nearly 45 minutes later, Ben understands he doesn't have to do the same thing every time he wakes up and it's Christmas again, and he stops moping around, but that was about the time I checked out. I'm sure there is a happy ending.

Let It Snow

When DJ Tanner and Mr. Seaver show up in a TV movie together, just sit down and give it a try.

There's a little role reversial here, as the woman (DJ) plays the capitalist homewrecker trying to shut down a popular mountain inn, and some handsome dude plays the sensible son of the inn owners. With snowball fights, cookie making, and sledding he tries to instill holiday cheer in DJ's black heart so that she will want to keep the inn open with all the down home charm.

Turns out her father (Alan Thicke) is the president of their company, and he is the real Humbug. Will the inn be saved? Will love bloom? Will DJ ever leave the mountains? So many questions, and thankfully, as one would expect, they are all answered.

A Snow Globe Christmas

What's with all the alternate universe movies? I've been cynical about the rest of these, but this is one I didn't finish, but definitely could have if I didn't have something better to do. Hence, it's not terrible.

This one finds a "cynical, overworked TV executive" in a perfect wonderland life after getting hit on the head with a snow globe. I know, hilarious, these just write themselves!

In this world she is a nice homebody with two kids and an adorable husband (played by Murray from Clueless). They even produce the town Christmas play together! No joke Donald Faison makes this movie actually cute.

Her bad tendencies were starting to kick in about the time I stopped watching. My theory is, influenced by her upstanding fake husband, she changes her ways, and stays in the snow globe kind of like Reese Witherspoon in Pleasantville.

Scratch that. Instead, she wakes up in her dreary office, storms out onto the streets with new vigor for life, and meet -cutes with the real version of Donald Faison in the streets of NYC. Credits roll. Curtains close. Fin. Masterpiece.


I'm living for these movies - just the plot descriptions have been making Christmas 2013 a while lot more hilarious! What have been some of your favorites? There's only about 100 more to choose from.

On Christmas

December 20th, 11:53 P.M. LIVE from the doomsday countdown on the West Coast, we bring you a crucial update from the blog-o-sphere.

In most other parts of the world it is already the 21st, aka Doomsday. However, if the Mayan's just happened to be calculating the end of the world via PST, then there are still seven minutes left of this great planet.

If I believed any of that mumbo jumbo (well, I do love a good conspiracy theory) then I guess I'll go out tip tapping away on a keyboard thinking about the holidays. "It's The End Of The World As We Know It" is also promptly queued up. Seems perfect. I wonder if R.E.M is receiving extra high amounts of royalties this year?

Tis the season to be jolly, but through all these predictions of the apocalypse and the senseless acts of last Friday at Sandy Hook Elementary School, it is a sobering reminder that Christmases won't last forever. I know I'm not the only one who is trying to slow down and take in the little things more than any year before.

For most people all that scrumptious food, gathering of family, classic films, games, and finding the perfect gift for someone  is the holidays. For me, I love all of the above, but when you have the continual heart of a child, it encompasses so much more. For those of you who understand, you won't laugh, but rather nod in approval when I say it's about the "magic".

It's true! For one season of the year we band together as a culture, actually put aside issues, to instill in children folk the wonderful tale that one man travels around the world delivering presents all in one night. Pure magic! I like to say I don't believe in Santa anymore, but deep down I can't help but continue to adore the idea of him.

Even for those who don't focus on Old Saint Nick, no matter how many years pass by, when the calendar grows closer to December that powerful feeling of light, cheer, and festivity breeds excitement.

Christmas is all about what each person makes of it, and that's why it's great. It doesn't have to require a lot of money, as hanging a paper chain, or placing a sparkly handmade ornament on a shelf, or hearing a jaunty carol on the radio can ignite a little spirit and extra happiness for a group of days each year. Who wouldn't want to participate in that?

Whenever I think of how much I ooze the zest for holiday spirit, one movie that I seem to reference a lot, and specifically one character, comes close to matching it. In 1989, a little girl obsessed with Christmas, Jessica Riggs, nursed a reindeer back to health, and now the clever film Prancer has become synonymous with Christmas.

When it comes to Christmas entertainment it seems like people fall into two categories; those who love the comedy spectrum (the Christmas Vacation's and Christmas Stories) and those who cherish the sappy magical canon (the Christmas Carol's and It's A Wonderful Lifers). Prancer is definitely for those who fall into the last category.


The editorial, "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Clause" , is a piece of writing I love. It perfectly captures the energy surrounding the holidays.

This piece is where the main theme of Prancer comes from, with Jessica fitting right in as the modern day Virginia. She is convinced that the reindeer she found is one of Santa's, and even though her brother, dad, and best friend try to convince her otherwise, her love of Christmas won't stop her from finding a way to get Prancer back to Santa before Christmas Eve.

All of her efforts build to the end, where her high octane spirit has turned a curmudgeon (and crazy at its best) Cloris Leachman and most of her town into holiday appreciators once again. Most importantly her distant father (Sam Elliot) is also feeling the cheer again, and reads aloud a portion of his daughters favorite book; fittingly the "Yes, Virginia" editorial in picture book form. The scene that always makes this emotional lady choke up is at the 2:00 mark in the video above. He just reads it so well.

It is now after midnight and the world hasn't ended (yet). Looks like we all have a little more time to bake a batch of Christmas cookies, sing a holiday jam, or snuggle up with some family and friends to watch a classic movie like Prancer or any other Christmas favorite.

From one festive nut to another, I hope everyone is truly enjoying the Holidays in their own way.

One Week

As the quintessential hit from BNL would say, it is just one week until Christmas. 

The next several days will be packed full of cheer, as baking, wrapping, and holiday music will be my full time job- if only spreading holiday cheer, for all to hear, could be a legitimate profession year round.

Last year, I ran through the cream of the crop of Christmassy movies, and as that list hasn't changed much,  rehashing a similar list didn't seem right.

Ergo, I decided the finale of holiday themed posts should be a full on grand vision; an ode  to, "The Best Of Christmas", if you will.

Movies, decorations, food, and music all add to the season, so here is just a taste of fantastical things to savor while we still can.

The Lights!

[all taken at Warm Beach Camp-Stanwood, WA]

 

The Thurmanator

Note: It is clear that this can be found in last years movie post. Though, it makes me too happy, and must be mentioned a second time.

The Treats

[Gorilla Bread recipe from the glorious Butter Queen herself, Paula Deen.]

Made this fantastic gorilla bread for Thanksgiving morn and will for sure be whipping it up again this  upcoming holiday for more feasting-dangerously delicious.

Testing out new cookie recipes is another beloved pass time for the holidays. Here's hoping Christmas Tree Linzer cookies, sprinkled with powdered sugar and filled with homemade jam, will become a new essential (and pretty!) treat in our kitchen. 

Here's to finding tasty recipes while perusing the only available reading material at work; mom magazines! Hurray!

The New Jams

I'll Be Home For Christmas-one of those songs that instantly makes me an emotional wreck of a woman. Bing Crosby's version? Forget about it-excuse me while I drown in my own tears. Seriously, this song is a heavy hitter. 

In 2011, the lyrics and melody still pull at the old heartstrings, but with the reigns taken by the bluesy voice of Zooey Deschanel, and the soulful guitar strumming of M. Ward, the song, for some reason, feels more uplifting than ever before. Is it the duo's modern musical twists? Or Deschanel's continual seeming sunny disposition?

Either way it is a welcome new rendition. When you thought there couldn't be anymore versions of classics...

The Old Jams

(See also: Robert Downey Jr. What the what, Piano Man!)

Deemed too depressing for McKinley High's local cable Christmas special (can we discuss how entertaining the throwback Glee episode was this past week?), Joni Mitchell can bring it to my holiday anytime. 

Not exactly a traditional carol, River perfectly exudes the feeling of winter and brings plenty of the emotional notes that comes with other more holiday specific tunes. 

Most importantly, it's just a beautiful song. She also talks about reindeer, joy, peace, etc. What's more Christmassy than that?

Enough now. We'll reconnect to welcome in the new year, and have a blast with even more lists. 

But until then-Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Christmas Carols

From big screen to small screen, and played by the likes of Muppets, Magoo, Murray and...Spelling, A Christmas Carol has been redone, it seems, more than any other tale. On IMDB, exact matches for the title tally to 27 different movies alone, and that doesn't even include those that have altered the title.

This Dickens story of redemption is the essence of our holiday spirit, so even with the endless adaptations, each one brings its own little bits of flair.

Some find Scrooge in a modern day world or animated, and others burst off the screen with brillant musical numbers. Lets take a spin though some of those penny pinching Scrooges, past, present, and future (mystical prediction-there will be even more recreations):

A Christmas Carol (1951)

Out of all the literal movie versions of the book, no cozy kid stuff, this one from 1951 is the one I grew up with, so to me, Alastair Sim is Ebenezer Scrooge.

Truly terrifying in sections, (endless nightmares caused by the unsettled souls with clanging chains outside his window!) this Scrooge is more villainous than the rest, and by the end has the most joyous (near psychotic) coming to his senses that can not be topped by any other.

The Muppet Christmas Carol

Fozzy, Kermie, Miss Piggy, and all the rest of the gang join Michael Cain with a take on this classic in the fantastical way The Muppets do best.

Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol

Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol brings back the fondest memories of childhood; and most importantly, our families Christmas Tape.

Much like the fated Mix-Tapes of the days of yore (middle school), featuring music taped directly off the radio, the VHS Christmas Tape, I hear,  was a staple to many families. Mostly, it consisted of the greatest hits of Christmas specials/cartoons featured on TV, which was conveniently recorded for yearly viewing pleasure. 

Mr. Magoo was just one of the gems on our tape, but Charlie Brown Christmas and The Snowman (also, ridiculous old commercials!)  were other essentials.

Scrooged 

As Christmas movies go, Scrooged is strange and twisted, though quite hilarious, and a change of pace for the season. 

Bill Murray plays Frank Cross, a Scrooge-like television executive, who must endure, like many cold-hearted folks before him, the ghosts of past, present, and future-hilarity ensues.

A Carol Christmas

The enormity of television adaptations of A Christmas Carol (including the timeless classic starring Vanessa Williams and Kathy Griffin, A Diva's Christmas Carol) can be summed up with two word; Tori Spelling.

Nothing brings the holiday cheer to my face more than watching Spelling, as a bitchy actress/talk show host raise hell to all the underlings in her life. Even better is that Spelling's character, Carol, is supposed to be a brilliant actress, but for some reason is never shown acting... I wonder why?

This has become a necessary element to Christmas in my house, and with William Shatner AND Gary Coleman as two of the spirits, you can guess why.

Priceless. Classic. Nothing is better.



Ultimately, there is honestly too many versions to count; what adaptations are your favorite?

Merry Christmas, Baby: Lets Watch Some Flicks

Getting in the Christmas spirit is easy, as The Boss is jazzily crooning away to "Christmas, Baby Please Come Home" in my room right now (and promptly giving me inspiration for the title of this post).

I listen to Christmas carols all day at work, including, as I terrifyingly discovered today, a "Christmas carol" by Ali Lohan. Who knew that she sang? Although, I'm really okay with not being in the know about Ali Lohan

Anyway, some of the songs I have to listen to are obviously questionable, which is why I often run home to rinse all the bad away with my own selection of holiday classics. Right now I can't get enough of  Bing, Hanson's Snowed In, Clooney (Rosemary that is), and some modern day interpretations done by that class act Sufjan Stevens.

So much music to cram in and we can't forget about movies; I could never forget about this! Christmas lights, family, baking, music and merriment are great, but for all those other moments nothing beats a holiday movie or special.

I just tried to brainstorm what I thought would be a small collection of classics to mention, but it has grown rather large.

Keep reading for the movies I can't live without this Christmas.